I didn't go to church today, because it wasn't what I needed. I needed to look after myself...
For almost as long as I can remember, there have been times when I've struggled with the daily routine - and I mean, really struggled with it - things like cleaning my teeth, shaving, showering, and so on. At others times I perform such tasks en bloc without giving it so much as a thought, much as I imagine most other people will do; but on days like today, all of these things are like huge boulders that are blocking my pathway. Instead of a continuous, almost effortless, routine; every stage uses a massive amount of my energy - much as I imagine heaving and shoving a boulder off my path might do. Every stage needs to be planned, and I need to psyche myself up, sometimes several times over...
My instinct is to give up - go back to bed, drink more tea, play another game of solitaire - maybe even consider suicide. Yes, it is that bad - be under no illusions, dear friends. And I usually end up doing most of these - several times over - and once I do, I have to start the psyche myself up for it process all over again...
On a good day, I manage to convince myself that it really isn't the end of the world if I go out unshowered, unshaven or if I haven't brushed my teeth properly. I might manage to bargain with myself - such as by having a good swish out with mouthwash instead, or wiping my face with wet wipes. It's not perfect or even satisfactory - but it often makes the difference between getting myself out through the door - or not.
Many years ago, Charlotte Elliot wrote the most helpful hymn, Just as I am; in which she underlines the fact that it is better to come before God in exactly the state we're in, rather than try to cover up all the bits we'd rather not bother him with:
Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt
Fightings within and fears without,
O Lamb of God, I come...
Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind
Sight, riches, healing of the mind,
Yet, all I need in thee to find
O Lamb of God, I come...
Insightful words indeed - used even by The Salvation Army, no less!
Yes, that's what I needed to do this morning - just go to church as I was...
But there's a problem. It's called a Salvation Army uniform:
Wear it and everybody's happy, no matter how uncomfortable you might be feeling inside. Increase your comfort by wearing some of it, and they start whispering, or even making comments.
But, don't wear it when you normally do - and all hell breaks loose! Last time I did so, at least three people enquired whethere I had backslidden (backsliding being a particularly unhelpful term used by older members of The Salvation Army to describe those who may have lost the faith or reverted to their former ways). Several others demanded in shocked, almost offended tones, to know, "Where's your uniform?!!"
Now in all honesty, had it not been for the uniform issue, I could easily have made it into church this morning - and yes, it would probably have helped me to have done that. But with all these loaded questions - well, it doesn't amount to looking after yourself, believe you me...
What I did do was go to Sainsburys, in Just as I am mode. I almost talked myself out of it at one point; but I brushed my hair and teeth, rubbed some soapy water over my face, got dressed and went - where, just as I expected, two of my elderly 'girlfriends' greeted me enthusiatically - just as I am. I doubt whether my absence of uniform even entered their heads; and in our subsequent discussion I was able to share some of how I've been feeling lately, and that was fine too. No judgement, no jumping to conclusions, no offence, no demands - just loving acceptance, support, and encouragement.
A few of us go there after church most Sundays, and put the world to rights. As might be expected of elderly ladies there is sometimes a good deal of repetition within our conversations - including the communion issue. To cut a long story short, they just don't get The Salvation Army's interpretation of holy communion, and some of them exercise their right to attend the local Church of Scotland every now and then to participate in what they call 'The Sacrament of the Lord's Supper'. And that's fine - the Army has no major issues with individual members doing that; even though there's a big division of opinion about how it should be taken - e.g. in uniform or not, and so on. And if you happen to say you're doing it in the wrong company, well again, all hell can break loose when the self-appointed judges say what they think about it - and those who feel the need to partake of it...
The old ladies' regular cry is, "well, it does say in the bible that you should," and of course they're right - except that, it also says, "every time you eat and drink." And that's the Army's main poin really - communion is a constant process, not just a special celebration...
I'm not qualified to say what's right and what's wrong folks, but I am qualified to say this: I get far more out of having my Sunday lunch with these dear friends each week, than I ever get from attending any church you might care to mention. Oh we eat what we each prefer to order, and drink from individual pots of tea - there's not always bread and never any wine; but we sit, we share, we support, we share testimony, we talk about how we understand all sorts of bits of the bible, as well as our morals, experiences and beliefs. And we do it in the cafe of our local Sainsburys store - sometimes in Salvation Army uniform, sometimes not. Unlike our Salvation Army hall - and I daresay many other churches, our meeting place is filled with other people, coming and going. They recognise us, they expect us, they have a laugh and a joke with us: they accept us as part of their community, they know we'll be there for them if they ever need us.
I don't always need church, but I do always need such communion!
