The day's results...

My fast lasted until 1 o'clock. I probably could have held on a bit longer, had I not gone shopping - but what, pray, do you do when you're neither eating nor shopping? My mind is all over the place as it is at the moment - there's no point in making it any harder than it is already!

There were no doctors appointments left at 8.30am, so I went walking. Well, I caught a bus out to Balerno to be precise - and ended up walking; having taken a few very indecisive paces in umpteen directions first.

But I managed to get an appointment with Dr Ali during the afternoon. I was really surprised and impressed with this young man when I met him for the first time a few months ago - he moved his chair closer to mine so he could maintain good eye contact, and I really felt listened to. I think there's a lot to be said for recently-qualified GPs, its nice to feel you're working with your doctor, rather than just sitting there passively, like a lemon!

Well, it seems that thioridazine, my usual anti-anxiety drug, is no longer used in the UK - he'd never heard of it, and patiently looked up its' various names in front of me, to prove the fact! I must admit I do have a few misgivings about his suggested alternatives - I think the last time I had diazepam was from some unkempt-looking police surgeon, having just been sectioned in the late 1980s; and here I am home with 28 of them...

He's written me up for up to 3 a day - but said I can have 4 if I feel I need them - and it's also okay to just have one. He reckons they'll make me feel really good - and warned that because they're addictive, I can't have them long term - but hey! So I came home via Boots and took a couple. I have to say, so far, so good - they always used to give me tinnitus, dry mouth, tremor, palpitations and sweats pretty well straight away, but so far I've not experienced any adverse side effects, which is pretty amazing really. Maybe they've refined it a bit, from the stuff I've had before? I guess I'll have a better idea in the morning...

Anyway, I've to keep in touch with the good doctor - he wants to see me again when I run out of pills - which I guess could be in as little as a week's time. I've also to continue trying to go out and keep myself occupied, and he even thinks that starting work on Monday is a good idea - I was terrified he'd tell me not to.

He's a bit of a one for antidepressants mind you, which I'm not so keen to have. I'm afraid the only sort I've ever had that make a significant difference to the depression are such that their side-effects render me incapable of day to day functioning, and in particular, the newer SSRI type really don't suit me at all, so far as I can tell. But we'll see. At the moment I'd be willing to try just about anything, within reason!

A bit of internet research has confirmed that thiroidazine - also known as Melleril - was indeed withdrawn from UK pharmacology in 2005. You know, it's actually quite worrying when you consider that, not many years ago, I and countless others were being prescribed 200mg doses on a daily basis! Though in its defence I have to say, four or five days in hospital with that kind of treatment used to serve me very well - and the jury's still out on whether that might still be preferable to long-term use of ineffective antidepressants.

Disclosure update!

I've just realised that I forgot to mention - I now have my enhanced disclosure - at last, it came through last Tuesday!

Rather disturbingly, it seems there are new guidelines about to be introduced, regarding people who have had jail sentences - no matter what for, for how long, or how long ago. It is as yet unclear how exactly these should be interpreted, but the inference is that such history would automatically bar such persons from doing care/support work - which, as my boss at Enable said, does seem rather harsh, especially if the sentences in question occurred many years ago and the person hasn't been in trouble with the law again since...

Fortunately for me, they seem to be taking the view that as these guidelines haven't actually been introduced yet, that they don't apply to me - and in any case, they're happy to accept my explanation that the only reason I ended up dallying with the criminal justice system at all was in order to escape the dreadful abuse I was receiving from the mental health system at the time.

Taken literally, these guidelines could have pretty awful implications for a lot of people who, like me, went off the rails as teenagers, or those whose crimes arose as a result of their mental health issues, who were only sent to prison as a last resort, because there was no secure hospital accommodation available for them - which again, was arguably so in my case. At the time, I was assessed by three doctors, all of whom said that while I did not fit the criteria for admission to the high security State Hospital at Carstairs, I was also not fit enough for a prison sentence; and in the end I only got one because the local hospital refused to re-admit me, and there was no medium secure facility available!

I met with Sean, my new boss, for a couple of hours last Friday, and learned a bit about the two people they want me to support. Both live fairly close to me, and have very mild learning disabilities that, nevertheless, have resulted in them spending significant parts of their lives in hospitals. One also has autism, and the other obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The next stage is induction training - which is next Monday afternoon. I just hope I feel up to it on the day...

Fasting!

During the past week, I managed to gain some weight for the first time since I began attending Slimmers World! Only a pound and a half, so not a disaster, but a gain all the same. The truth is I'm getting really sick of fruit, vegetables, Quorn, yogurt, etc - and I'm not really in the right space to prepare more interesting foodstuffs at the moment...

A few weeks back, the subject of fasting came up in a church house group. I've always kind of admired people that can fast, and wondered how on earth they can possibly be so self-discplined to achieve such a thing! I'd really quite like to feel able to do it if I wanted to - and you know, I think the time has come to just give it a go. So today's the day - I shall drink tea, but not eat - not until after lunchtime anyway - that feels like it could be a realistic goal!

Of course, I know that you're not meant to tell anyone you're doing it if it's for spiritual reasons - so let me say that this time it is about me, and not specifically about my spirituality - I just need to know that I can do it if I want to. Know what I mean?

As regards other matters, the visualisations I described a few days ago have subsided a bit, but there have been others - usually these occur as I'm walking over high bridges and the like. Don't be alarmed - I'm not likely to act upon them - but they are very disturbing indeed when they occur, as I can actually feel my feet moving towards the edge or the parapet. I've always been scared of heights anyway - perhaps this is why - I'm the same on underground platforms, as the train is pulling into the station; and as for cliff edges - don't even go there.

One visualisation I used to get that thankfully, doesn't seem to occur these days, involved walking off into oblivion. It was always worse whenever there were reports of bad weather, snow, blizzards or fog - I'd just have this overwhelming urge to take myself off to some remote moor or mountain and just walk into the thick of it, never to return.

I'm probably way off mark, but in a sense I feel I can identify with the police chief guy that was found dead on Snowdon the other day, as he appears to have done just that...

As a precaution, I've decided to tell my doctor about these thoughts and visualisations - again, I'm kind of needing to know that such a revelation won't result in me being carted off to hospital - as I'm pretty certain it would have done in former times! I have an applointment for Monday - but they also do same day appointments, and as both of the doctors I normally see are working today, I'm going to go up to the surgery in a bit and see if they can fit me in today - the sooner the better I think - just in case...

What a difference a year makes!

It is now a whole year since I moved to Edinburgh!

If anything, it feels a lot longer - for me, that's a sign of being settled. And, even if it has taken a long time to come about and it's still not exactly certain, the future's reasonably bright...

'Back later!

more warnings...

You know, sometimes I don't see any wood for trees. For the first time in several years, I've recently been bothered with eczema. I had put it down to my weight loss!!

Doing the sensible thing

I've not been anywhere since I signed off my last post - I've just been sititng relaxing, having breakfast, watching tv and snoozing in my chair. My guest is still in bed - normally, that'd wind me up as I'm always raring to go, but today it's an advantage. I'll get myself ready for the prayer meeting after I've done this - but the cleaning can wait!

Yesterday, we went on a bit of a grand tour, by bus. First to Stirling for an hour - just time to walk up to the castle esplanade, take a few photos and buy some postcards. Then, on to Crieff, where we had lunch and a seat in the square (it is surprisingly mild), before catching one of the twice daily (schooldays only) buses through the Sma' Glen to Aberfeldy. This was a treat indeed, as we had the bus to ourselves, front seat, lovely scenery and all that. Then after another little wander, a twice-daily bus (which also just runs on schooldays) along a single track road to Dunkeld, and onto Blairgowrie - where we crossed the road and immediately caught another bus to Perth, arriving there at about 6pm. Here we had tea - carvery for a fiver - before catching another bus back to Edinburgh!

Now, I feel a bit embarrassed about describing this, so forgive me if it seems a bit odd or inappropriate - that, I fear, is oftent the nature of mental illness...

During the journey I began to visualise the sensation of a really prolonged snog. Very localised - really just concerning the mouth and tongue, and breathing - I didn't have a picture of myself actually doing it, just the feeling and the sensations. Try as I might, I just couldn't get that picture out of my mind. Now that for me is an early warning sign: the earliest stages of my depression could easily be a cold coming on, or a myriad of other things and are therefore hard to identify as such - but when that sort of visualisation starts to appear like that, I know I'm getting depressed as opposed to anything else...

Amidst it all, I also get other visions of a more sexual nature - and again, I don't actually appear in the picture as such (and nor does anyone else I can identify), it's just the extremely localised feelings and sensations - such a a hand giving a sharp smack, and stinging flesh - and well, I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

It stopped happening when I'd decided I was going to post it here. If it comes back, I will ring the crisis line I think...

So there you are - a good example of an early warning sign - some very subtle, entirely internal occurrence that nobody else would have any way of knowing about unless I told them about it - that follows on from triggers being set off. This post - and any subsequent conversations arising from comments, or phone calls to the crisis service or whatever, is my action plan. Let's pray that it works, and doesn't worsen!!

WRAP in Action!

A while back I posted a brief definition of WRAP - Wellness Recovery Action Plan. If you remember, you list all the things you do regularly to keep you well, then identify external events (triggers), subtle signs (called early warning signs) and more serious symptoms before writing crisis and post crisis plans...

Over the last few days, I've encountered a number of triggers. Yesterday, I started getting some early warning signs. As soon as I realised what was going on, I thought I'd better ring the Edinburgh Crisis Centre, and still might; but it also occurs to me that as I'm good at writing things down, sharing some of them here might be a good action plan. Certainly, the signs have started to subside since I decided I'd do that!

I can cope with many things, but sleep deprivation isn't one of them. For weeks, I've had very little sleep - barely four hours a night, if I'm lucky. I have always been an early morning person - but waking up at 4.50 when you've only been asleep since 12.30 is no joke...

The funny thing is, through the day I have boundless energy! Though I've lost some weight (one and a half stones now) and that probably contributes, I've been charging around at previously unknown speeds, doing all sorts of things very effectively!

I have lots of new projects on the go, I've been writing a lot, cooking and eating really well, looking after myself, feeling great. I've been sociable, making new friends, and taken myself out and about without effort.

And I've had some really good news too - feedback from the meeting I attended the other week and a possible opportunity to continue some of that work; and yes - at long last, my enhanced disclosure has turned up, which means I can start my support work job - I'm going to talk to my employer about the next stages on Monday afternoon!

Thinking about it, I did notice that I was unusually annoyed by having to go and visit my mother last weekend. Don't get me wrong - it wasn't that I didn't want to go, it was simply that during that particular weekend, it really was very difficult to identify the time, at least without digging deeply into what might otherwise be described as 'me time'. But it was mother's day last Sunday - so I didn't really feel I could make too much fuss about giving her half my Saturday - even though she'd been over here the Saturday before...

But the inane, endless conversation about nothing in particular or certainly, nothing particularly interesting, got to me more last weekend than it has done for a long time. I found myself answering through clenched teeth. I suppose I just felt that I was too busy, for lectures on how to run the life I've been running successfully on the whole for the past 43 years - from somebody who refuses to have a life of her own. My uncle says that my mother is never happy unless she has something to moan about - and you know, I rather fear he may have a point. I also think that's probably why she doesn't get many visitors. I'm afraid she loves being the centre of family attention, and so expects them all to visit her - but refuses to make return visits to them - even after I've pointed out that if she doesn't, there's surely a risk they'll interpret that in a negative way, and visit less often in consequence. She just doesn't see that she has any responsibility for cultivating such relationships at all - and of course, they all resent that...

It's also well-nigh impossible to make any sort of observation on any subject, without it being taken as a personal criticism. I thought I was bad for feeling the need to be everyone else's fire and rescue service - but my mother, well! It's not hard to see where I get it from!!

I'm afraid, dear reader, I find all this extremely wearing. Add to that her favourite game of criticising olther relations for not supporting her as much as they might - and then putting pressure on me to agree, and take her side; and you'll perhaps have a flavour of the problem that is my mother...

Almost everything outside of her usual routine is too much effort even to contemplate. And nobody else is allowed to be more adversely affected. She'll acknowledge their loneliness or pain - but then add that it isn't so bad for them, because they have family nearby...

Anyway - enough of her - this isn't about her...!!

On Tuesday, I had a major falling-out with a colleague. As those of you know me in person would probably testify, it really takes an awful lot to make me that angry - I'm normally a really placid person. Though there are common triggers within that - humiliation being the biggie. I think it relates back to abuse that took place earlier in my life...

We were in the Old Council Chamber (big long table in an oak-panelled room with huge chandaliers, fancy leather chairs, enormous portraits and sculptured busts of former Lord Provosts), trying to encourage a new intake of 'Get On' course participants of the importance of service user involvement. We'd had several meetings beforehand, at which we'd planned our lesson - the bulk of which I was supposed to be delivering, using an agreed imaginary scenario to
illustrate my points...

Just before we started, he suggested what I thought was going to be a quick icebreaker, which I agreed to. Having said we'd stick strictly to an hour, and that I'd be doing the bulk of the workshop; he proceed to hog the floor for the next 30 minutes - covering most of the subjects in the scenario as he did so...

I sat there feeling more and more humiliated. Just what was I meant to do now? Carry on as planned and then look stupid and inflexible, for covering the same ground again? Mustering all the strength I had to not simple grab my bag and coat and walk out; I eventually decided to just use the second part of the two-part scenario - I mean, one of us needed to be professional...

Of course, it ruined the whole thing - it wasn't nearly as effective. And worse still, having asked (as per plan) for people to come up with their own service user involvement plan, they came up with lots of issues instead, which before I'd had a reasonable chance to park elsewhere - my colleague proceeded to answer; thus effectively shifting the attention forever away from the matter in hand, and hijacking the entire session!

Eventually, we came out more than an hour later than planned (and allocated, within their course timetable) and when asked how I thought it went, I decided to go for the diplomatic response, and said it was far too long - and that maybe we should consider allocating ourselves far more time if we're going to take such questions as these...

"I think we have to answer those kinds of questions though," says my colleague. "I feel I have a moral obligation to answer them!"

I don't disagree with that - but not in the middle of my lesson! However, it didn't feel like the time or the place...

Then he tried to justify his actions by suggesting that my scenario was leading them in particular directions. Now, at that point I really began to see red! I mean - he didn't have a problem with what he was now calling your scenario when we were planning it - and far from it just being my scenario - I was actually under the impression that it formed part of our lesson plan...!!

In these situations I always try to take the advice on James, in the first chapter of his short book - always be quick to listen slow to speak, and slow to become angry...

At that point I felt more hurt than anything else I think. It felt like I was being attacked for just doing my job, or even just trying to. I felt like an unwanted, spare part - and I said so. But of course, it did make me angry...

I thought I dealt with it well! I have a friend staying with me at the moment - and I chatted about it with him for a bit. I phoned another friend who also knows and works with my colleague and spoke to her at length - ending up laughing about it all, as I knew I would. And I slept on it, before sending him an email in which I expressed my various observations, feelings and suggestions...

In response, he's saying that I have been personally attacking him. I certainly didn't intend that - and I'd thought I'd taken steps to avoid doing so...

But this sort of thing has occured before. Not often - but, somebody humiliates me, and I feel compelled to write and tell them what I think may have caused it, why, and what I suggest they/we do about it. Maybe only five times in the past 8 years - but somehow it causes major rifts and everyone seems to gang up and conspire against me; and on more that one occasion, I've been told I'm no longer welcome to work with them, in consequence...

So I hope you'll forgive me for feeling worried by these developments.

And the insomnia is getting worse!! All this week, come 9pm I can hardly even keep my eyes open, and feel like I'm going to fit, in consequence of feeling so tired - and yet, still I can't get a decent night's sleep.

Nor is there anything around that I can really drop - not without it having a negative impact upon my life anyway. Things have just started to gel for me at the Salvation Army: I have a few specific roles to fulfill and at last, I feel I'm really forming relationships with more people, so I daren't cut any of that activity out - apart from anything else I enjoy it and it is my main support network. So the last thing I want is to be relieved of some of my workload there - which in itself is not great anyway - and then earn a reputation of being unreliable or incapable of anything remotely interesting...

Even sharing it with my mother isn't an option, for she'd just make it her problem and start experiencing all sorts of aches and pains - and tell me they were caused by the worry I was giving her...

Having waited for months to start work, I daren't go to the doctor - in case he says I'm not able to do it. That would set me back so terribly far - I don't think I could cope with that at all. And as I've just described, there are problems within my main voluntary work arena at the moment.

I need to go and get some breakfast, shower, do 2 hours of cleaning at the Salvation Army - before the prayer meeting at 11am - from which I need to go straight to the next (and for now final) service user involvement workshop (with the same colleague, who I've not spoken with since the emails) at 1.15. But assuming I've not been locked up, I shall be back to tell you about the early warning signs later...