A Good Friday Testimony

I was supposed to be going out on a works do tonight - as my supervisor, Jude, has recently left the organisation to take up a post with another employer. Now I'm sure I'm not the easiest person to employ as I require various 'reasonable adjustments' to be made, including extra support; but Jude has been wonderful with me, and I really wanted to be part of her send-off party...

It is however Good Friday - which for me has long been the most emotive, and one of the most significant dates in the church calendar - and, aware that I'd have a church meeting to attend this evening, I had already said I'd be late...

If I'm honest, these were two events I really wasn't keen to combine! However, armed with an Easter Egg for Jude, I set out for Edinburgh City Corps (of The Salvation Army) where the church meeting was taking place and did my best to resign myself to undertake popping into the pub they were all at for half an hour or so, after the meeting.

To begin with, I just couldn't get into it at all - and reflected on how unlike this was to the enthusiasm I had for such events during my earlier years in the Salvation Army at Gosport - wondering as I did whether the lack of any meeting on Maundy Thursday, and on Good Friday morning here in Edinburgh, had anything to do with that.

But the fact was, my mind kept wandering to how on earth I might make a reasonably discreet entrance into a crowded pub full of rowdy Leith revellers on a Friday night - dressed in a Salvation Army uniform - complete with the word 'Gorgie' on the shoulder epaulettes (Gorgie being the home of the Hearts football club - complete sacrilige to many Leithers, whose allegiance is mostly towards Hibernian, Edinburgh's other main club...!!

Then the meeting turned to a song that I'd heard only rarely since it was sung at my enrolment (as a soldier of the 'Army) back in May 2003, If crosses come, if it should cost me dearly.

Now let me explain. Sometimes, people being enrolled are allowed to choose their own songs to help illustrate their journeys towards their decisons to commit themselves in that way - but, as I was a group of four such individuals being done together, the officer chose this song on our behalf - and at that time, I only barely knew and really didn't much care for it...!

But tonight was different, and as I joined in with the singing, I realised just how close its words are to my own story. In particular, I'd not be sitting here in Edinburgh at all were it not true that, if doors should close, then other doors shall open; for in the intervening years I had tried to gain access to the Army's Officer Training College and failed almost at the final hurdle and, only as part of my eventual recovery from that terrible disappointment did I even consider a move back to Scotland, let alone enlist God's help in the process, as I eventually did - which was rewarded with the home in which I now live, and the new life that I now enjoy.

And, were it not true that, the Word of God can never be contained - nor that his love cannot be finally frustrated by narrow minds or prison bars restrained; I'd probably not be sitting anywhere by now as it was - some 27 years ago, behind the bars of what was then Polmont Borstal, where I made my first serious exploration of part of God's Word and - as the very lost soul I then was, woke up one day and felt sure that Jesus, the love of God, had found me there!

Good Friday is a time to consider the ultimate sacrifice made by Jesus, the love of God and, again as the song lyrics relate, If tears should fall, if I am called to suffer, If all I love men should deface, defame; I'll not deny the One that I have folllowed, nor be ashamed to bear my master's name; it surely is also a time to reconsider our responses.

Therefore, I'll not turn back, whatever it may cost, for I'm called to love and save, the lost. The very least I could do tonight was pay the 'cost' that was not going out to that pub and therefore preserving myself in the attitude that God requires me, for the remainder of this Easter weekend, and beyond.

I thank all who have taken the trouble to read this and pray that you too, will feel prompted to make a special response to God's gentle touch, this Easter.

Exciting Stuff!

Having been pulling my hair out for months over the rather erratic hours my employer has been offering me, my patience has paid off as they have now offered me a six-month temporary contract (which is likely to remain open beyond that time if we're all happy with each other) to work 24 hours per week, starting 1st September!

So I'm off the to Job Centre this morning to arrange a hopefully smooth transition from incapacity benefit to working tax credits - they assure me it should be a smooth transition anyway. Very exciting really, as this will be the first time for over twenty years when I'm not officially 'sick' or claiming benefits relating to my incapacity for work!

And so, another year passes...

Last night, I had a message from my supervisor at work, informing me that the 8-hour shift I was due to work today has been cancelled, as the service user is unwell and doesn't need our support this week - but as the notice is so short, I can still include the hours on my timesheet!

As it happens, this happy incident coincides with my birthday! But I'm not one of those people who seems to think he has somekind of divine right to not work on his birthday - to me, that seems really self-centred.

Nor do I bother much with parties - though I've had my share over the years; and in fact, one of the most memorable occured a whole 40 years ago! My mother has numerous, faded old black and white photographs of that event - attended by numerous, long-dead family members, as well as others who have changed almost beyond recognition in the intervening years; and yet, I can remember it almost as it it were yesterday!

I spent my 21st in Ravenglass, Cumbria, with my then partner and another couple we were friendly with, one of whom shared my birthday - as the guest of a somewhat eccentric friend of theirs, who cooked an enormous banquet including courses I'd never had before, such as fish and sorbet - in addition to mains and pudding! The latter was an enormous, extremely boozy pavlova - goodness knows how long he'd soaked the pineapples and raspberries in vodka!

My one and only surprise party was in 1992, for my 28th. I thought I was just going to stay with a friend who lived in a big country house in the Wye valley in South Wales for a couple of days of walking, when he picked me up and took me over there as arranged - but of course, unbeknown to me, he'd invited lots of other people too - who had all made their own ways there...!

And for my 40th I had a meal in Gosport - which to be honest, was a bit disapppointing as I had to organise it myself, and the menu turned out to be a lot fancier - and more expensive - that I'd been given the impression it'd be at the planning stage!

Today should be safe - if only because not very many people in Edinburgh know it's my birthday! Thanks to friends down south who have sent me greetings - ten cards, two emails and a text message so far - you know who you are; and I consider myself fortunate indeed to be remembered so fondly by you. Amen!

Whew!

Yesterday I had a whopper of a headache, and so remained in bed for much of the day. Despite this, I managed to sleep quite well overnight, and today I have no headache. Alleluia!

Less consolation, more consolidation, please!

I've been rather depressed for the past week or so.

Now, I know that we sometimes see things in different lights when we're depressed, but in a way it has been quite useful this time as I've been able to identify a few areas of my life that could do with a bit of weeding...

First off, I must stop accepting consolation prizes as readily as I've been doing. It isn't too much to expect to get a first-bite of the cherry occasionally, I'm sure of that. So I think I need to speak up when time after time, all I get offered is some of the juice!

All too often it seems, organisations value their own above all others. The Salvation Army is terrible for it: people with existing connections - especially, dare I say, those who happen to be related to officers - seem to have much greater ease of access to employment and other opportunities than those of us who are relatively new to it and not otherwise connected. Admittedly we get a much more sympathetic hearing than we might have done a few years ago, but I still think we're treated with a lot more suspicion than we deserve; and subjected to a lot more red tape, than those who are lifelong members with family connections.

I also had a minor run-in with the Scottish Recovery Network the other day over what seems like largely the same issue. I did stage 1 of a particular training course a couple of years back while I was living in Hampshire, and was encouraged by them to apply for a place on their stage 2 course; but failed to get a place. On the surface they've been really good about it - telephoning to inform me rather than just emailing - and adding that they hope I'll still support their cause, and suggesting that I look out for some co-facilitating experience over the next few months...

Now, I've no doubt that experience would be very useful and certainly, if I am to support the cause further as they say, it would help me do so - but who exactly is all that about? It seems to me they're very happy to use whatever I have to offer them, yet still reserve the right to exclude me from any meaningful developments - and to be perfectly honest, I'm getting rather bored with that particular game of soldiers...!

And I've also worked out that, despite all that I told my mother as regards the Slimming World eating plan I'm currently following; I neither need nor even want lots of extra food to get me through my depression. I just want to feel normal again.

I'm not one to blow my own trumpet, but...

This morning, I was elected 'group man of the year 2008' at Slimming World!

Now, I don't normally do great visual displays of excitement, but I will admit to feeling rather pleased and very proud of myself today - I have a nice certificate, and paperweight, to prove it!

Not only that, having lost another five pounds I was also 'slimmer of the week', for which I have a bag of fruit and a fridge magnet - they have a series of ten, that you can collect - this is my second.

And the statistics? Well, I have lost a total of 2 st 12 lbs so far - I am now under 19 stones for the first time since I really can't remember when, and I have lost four inches off my waist...! The eventual aim is to get down to around 14 st 7 lbs - by which time I shall be 33% lighter than when I joined the group, on January 23rd this year.

A welcome sign - well, ish...

In an ideal world, I guess that stretch marks across the stomach might not feel so welcome, but, at two and a half stones less than I was three months ago, these feel like a sign of real progress.

And I was very good today, as while all around me tucked into delicious-looking pizza slices, sandwiches and gateaux, I didn't have so much as a morsel of the buffet after church, which had been laid on by a family celebrating the dedication of their latest child.

Mind you, I have just had a toffee eclair, and a chocolate. Well, nobody's perfect!!