I've been wanting to write something about this for several days, but not yet felt able to do it, so here goes. Let's see how far I get...
At the beginning of this week I was actually on quite a high, and wondering whether my mood had taken yet another turn, despite the recent introduction of antidepressant medication, which is unlikely to have started to work just yet. That happens sometimes - I'm never quite sure how successful I am at telling people (especially doctors) about it either. I even got around to making a start on the painting!!
Anyway, two really good things happened on Tuesday. I had an appointment with the Disability Employment Adviser at the Jobcentre, and amongst other things, she did what they call a better-off calculation and was able to tell me that if I worked part time - say 20 hours, even at national minimum wage - my Working Tax Credit would ensure I'd only be £3 a week worse off than I am on benefits, which is a huge relief! I always thought I couldn't afford to work part time and that it was the £20 permitted work earnings limit or full time work, with no options in between. I do wish they'd advertise that more explicitly - I probably could have been in part time work of some description, ages ago!
Then I went along - well actually, I chickened out and walked past it the first time, but then forced myself to go back - to a drop-in organised by the mental health chaplaincy service. It turns out I know one of the chaplains already - we used to go to the same church in Bath, years ago! I had encountered him twice before in Edinburgh and been invited to go to the local version of the same church, which he still attends - but so far I've declined, as it would mean going there instead of the Salvation Army. Maybe I'll make the odd special appearance attendance there once I'm a bit more established in the Army - but it's complicated, as I really feel I've moved on...
Anyway, the drop-in was really good - I immediately felt at home. It was so nice just to have people to talk to, for an hour or so - even if they were strangers, we at least knew we had something in common, and everyone was really friendly and said I should go there again. They're even taking a bus trip to Peebles next Wednesday and have asked me along, so I'm minded to go - it will be a good opportunity to get to know some of them better. After about an hour of informal chat, there was a quick round the table opportunity for everyone to say how they'd been over the past week - which I thought was absolutely wonderful as the one thing I really miss is not having anyone in particular to check-in with in this way; and then at the very end, a short worship opportunity, which four or five people stayed behind for...
I'm meeting my chaplain friend on Monday afternoon for a catch-up, which I'm actually quite looking forward to now. At last, it looks as if I may have some local friends!!
Afterwards, I took myself off to one of my favourite haunts - North Berwick; had ice-cream, paddled in the sea for some time, got chips and came home smiling for a change. My bouyant mood continued into Wednesday, until just after my meeting with Simon described in my former post - and then just totally vanished, really suddenly...
It was one of those moments where I just felt frozen to the spot, in the middle of the street. I literally can't move one foot or the other when that happens - I'm just stood there feeling really conspicuous, completely unable to decide even which way to walk next, let alone where to. After about 20 minutes, I noticed an art gallery over the road, and having decided against it several times, at length managed to get myself over there and forced myself to look at some paintings - which at length did help get me out of the heat of the moment. I thought of doing something else, but decided I'd best return straight home while I still could. Even then, I let about six buses go past before I was able to get on one...
And there I've remained, basically. I've slept a great deal, updated my WRAP a bit, done some more painting, watched a bit of TV and read a little - all of which was quite hard to achieve as my concentration has been rather poor - so I can only manage little bits at a time. Yesterday I managed to shower, get out and do some shopping - for the first time since Tuesday; and today I'm hoping to make it out into the countryside - which is a bit risky, but if I stop and contemplate that for too long I'll end up returning to bed and going nowhere - I have to just do things as and when I feel I can, during these periods.
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