I guess most of us will have experienced the pain of someone we love not loving us back the way we'd like them to, at some point in our lives.
Michelle and I met properly on a Salvation Army corps retreat some years back, and immediately tuned into each other's sense of fun and playfulness. At that time, she worked in the corps' charity shop and, largely thanks to her encouragement and friendliness, I began working in the adjaccent cafe shortly afterwards; and as a result of this, many people began to put two and two together...
Of course, this appealed to our sense of humour and we decided to play along, and wind them all up! We had weekends away - in Brighton and Llandudno, discovering our deeper selves as we also got to know each other, as we were each able to stimulate the other's somewhat latent self-confidence. Amidst all our uncoventional behaviours - such as walking along the seafront from 2-5am and sitting alone on the back seat of an open-top bus through Snowdonia on a cold damp day - waving and gesturing at strangers like a pair of schoolchildren; we helped each other grow in faith. We share the hobby of people-watching, the characteristic of restlessness, the desire to be on the go as much as possible, discovering new places and yet, all the time just soaking up God's wonderful creation. And we're also rather partial to eating...
Those of you who've been reading through my posts will know that I've lost quite a bit of weight through the Slimming World regime in recent months. It was Michelle that put me onto the idea originally as she herself went a few years back and lost over three stones initially - much to everyone's relief as she is very probably the fattest person that most people will have ever seen, and very is obviously hugely at risk of all manner of serious health problems in consequence.
Alas, it didn't last, and she put it all back on - and more. There have been numerous subsequent attempts - she does it for a few weeks, relapses, and end up heavier than she started out in the first place. I've no real idea how heavy she is these days - people keep asking me this when I share my worries about her with them; the only guide I have is several years old, when she was 28 stone. But as she said herself just the other day, at that time she was able to cycle to and from work, then all around Gosport and back - but for the past couple of years she's not been able to use her bike at all, because the tyres become flat and the wheels buckle, as soon as she gets on board...
What I can offer, by way of size indication, is her dress size - 32. This time last year it was 28 - so perhaps you can understand the extent of the problem, and how much I and others who love and care about her are concerned. Last New Year's Eve, she arrived in Edinburgh with just an old baggy fleece, which indeed she had in St Bees this week too - it's the only item of outer clothing she has that fastens. She looks in vain for a waterproof jacket designed for either sex as mens' clothes are often made bigger and when you get into those sizes it doesn't matter much anyway, but of course she rarely if ever finds anything.
In her better moments, she reflects that what she really needs to do is to lose some weight so that she can fit into her expensive, rarely worn waterproof that she managed to buy from a specialist outlet in Bournemouth a couple of years ago. She did so the other afternoon in fact - adding that she knows how much her weight resticts her and giving opportunity for encouraging interjections about how better her quality of life could be, and how many more places she could go and enjoy; and she even admitted that it will probably take a heart attack or stroke to give her sufficient impetus to do something about it. The trouble is of course, that's always assuming she survives such a attack - which is an outcome that she - poerhaps understandably - doesn't seem to want to consider...
As she was leaving for home at new year, I did tell her that I didn't want the next time I saw her husband and friends to be at her funeral, and she did agree to have another go at losing weight then. Her husband even tried doing it with her, even though he doesn't really need to - but to no avail. She's started, aborted and restarted the slimming plan three times since then...!!
I did moot the idea of contacting Overeaters Anonymous the other day - and it seems her doctor has already betaen me to it, offering a referral to her local group. Alas, she knows some people who already go there (and who, at just over 11 stone, really don't need to), and she doesn't want to go if they're there, which I can understand. That's the trouble with such groups - they really should offer specialist services for the really obese). I might just send her the contact details anyway though. She does qualify for gastric banding on the NHS - she has been offered it umpteen times by various doctors, but refuses to go down that route...
As we were talking about this the other day, it occurred to me that I need to start letting go. I'm not sure exactly what tht entails at this time - but quite clearly, the chances of Michelle seeing the end of the decade are really not very great. Every time we meet and say goodbye, I can't help wondering whether it is for the last time - and I really don't need that kind of pressure in my life. I don't want to lose contact with her of course, and she is the last person I'd want to hurt in any way - but maybe that could be part of a solution? I don't know - I guess I'm just desperate enough to consider all of these thoughts.
She is planning to visit me again in August. Perhaps I need to make it conditional, upon an agreed amout of weight loss, and some exercise? I feel awful for even thinking along these lines, as there's a risk we won't meet and she'll hate me for it - but as it stands, there's an even greater risk that unless somebody can find some kind of bargaining chip that she values more than endless eating out and take-aways, that we won't be seeing each other again anyway.
And yet, who do I think I am? Everyone hoped she'd do it for her new husband, who she married four years ago. But if anything, she's got worse in that time - not least because he does everything for her, and she has even less exercise than before - and of course, greater availability of money to buy yet more food. She is already unable to travel by coach or air - and dislikes modern trains that don't have opening windows, while most of the others are impractical because she simply doesn't fit into any of the seats. Increasingly, this is no longer a matter of mere comfort - it is actually that she quite literally does not fit. The same is true of accommodation - hotels they've booked have turned them away more than once, having mysteriously lost their booking when they've turned up to claim their room. When they visit me, they very considerately choose to sleep upon just the mattress of my bed, on the floor, rather than risk the bed frame. She is even restricted in her choice of cafes and restaurants, as the seating used by many simply will not accommodate either her shape or weight.
What I do know is, I can't handle waiting around for her to die. I need to think of something!!
No comments:
Post a Comment