Less consolation, more consolidation, please!

I've been rather depressed for the past week or so.

Now, I know that we sometimes see things in different lights when we're depressed, but in a way it has been quite useful this time as I've been able to identify a few areas of my life that could do with a bit of weeding...

First off, I must stop accepting consolation prizes as readily as I've been doing. It isn't too much to expect to get a first-bite of the cherry occasionally, I'm sure of that. So I think I need to speak up when time after time, all I get offered is some of the juice!

All too often it seems, organisations value their own above all others. The Salvation Army is terrible for it: people with existing connections - especially, dare I say, those who happen to be related to officers - seem to have much greater ease of access to employment and other opportunities than those of us who are relatively new to it and not otherwise connected. Admittedly we get a much more sympathetic hearing than we might have done a few years ago, but I still think we're treated with a lot more suspicion than we deserve; and subjected to a lot more red tape, than those who are lifelong members with family connections.

I also had a minor run-in with the Scottish Recovery Network the other day over what seems like largely the same issue. I did stage 1 of a particular training course a couple of years back while I was living in Hampshire, and was encouraged by them to apply for a place on their stage 2 course; but failed to get a place. On the surface they've been really good about it - telephoning to inform me rather than just emailing - and adding that they hope I'll still support their cause, and suggesting that I look out for some co-facilitating experience over the next few months...

Now, I've no doubt that experience would be very useful and certainly, if I am to support the cause further as they say, it would help me do so - but who exactly is all that about? It seems to me they're very happy to use whatever I have to offer them, yet still reserve the right to exclude me from any meaningful developments - and to be perfectly honest, I'm getting rather bored with that particular game of soldiers...!

And I've also worked out that, despite all that I told my mother as regards the Slimming World eating plan I'm currently following; I neither need nor even want lots of extra food to get me through my depression. I just want to feel normal again.

I'm not one to blow my own trumpet, but...

This morning, I was elected 'group man of the year 2008' at Slimming World!

Now, I don't normally do great visual displays of excitement, but I will admit to feeling rather pleased and very proud of myself today - I have a nice certificate, and paperweight, to prove it!

Not only that, having lost another five pounds I was also 'slimmer of the week', for which I have a bag of fruit and a fridge magnet - they have a series of ten, that you can collect - this is my second.

And the statistics? Well, I have lost a total of 2 st 12 lbs so far - I am now under 19 stones for the first time since I really can't remember when, and I have lost four inches off my waist...! The eventual aim is to get down to around 14 st 7 lbs - by which time I shall be 33% lighter than when I joined the group, on January 23rd this year.

A welcome sign - well, ish...

In an ideal world, I guess that stretch marks across the stomach might not feel so welcome, but, at two and a half stones less than I was three months ago, these feel like a sign of real progress.

And I was very good today, as while all around me tucked into delicious-looking pizza slices, sandwiches and gateaux, I didn't have so much as a morsel of the buffet after church, which had been laid on by a family celebrating the dedication of their latest child.

Mind you, I have just had a toffee eclair, and a chocolate. Well, nobody's perfect!!

I'm shattered!

I'd no idea that commuting to Glenrothes by bus was so tiring - and I've only done it twice so far. Tomorrow will be three times in a week.

My mother is unwell you see. Vomiting bug - started Tuesday evening, continued all day Wednesday. When I got there first time she couldn't even sit up and speak, so there wasn't much I could do - but I expect knowing I was around for a few hours might have given her some comfort. And yesterday was more of the same - she attempted to get out of bed after an hour, but immediately buried her head as soon as she reached the kitchen, and staggered straight back again.

Mercifully, she sounds a bit better today - been up and had a shower, and even watched some TV - for the first time since Tuesday. Still not eating solids, but managed a little milk earlier. Alas, she's lost 6lbs in weight, and it really shows - she told me she burst into tears when she saw herself in the mirror; and yes, I'm afraid she does look just like her own mother did in her closing weeks - so heaven knows what must be going through her mind.

I ought to be down at the Salvation Army cleaning right now - but I'm afraid even I'm not infallible. I was up earlier, but returned to bed and slept until after nine; and this, I'm afraid, is me time - we all need it after all, and the cleaning can wait a few more hours!

It doesn't look as if I'm the only one identifying my need for me time either, as I arrived at Glenrothes bus station last night with half an hour before the next Edinburgh departure - and so I joined a Glasgow bus as far as Dunfermline, thinking I'd get a quicker onward connection there. Alas, there was an even longer wait - necessitating a lovely walk through Pittencieff Park in the evening sunshine. Hence it seems to me there's nothing God won't use to tend his sheep - even Stagecoach!!


Hence, here we are at almost 7pm - and I've nothing but attendance at this morning's prayer meeting, where I collected a pile of War Crys I'd intended going to Princes Street to seel this afternoon - to show for the day...

I just needed to catch up on some sleep! I was going to go on an organised walk tomorrow morning (before going to my mother's) - I was on one with the same group last Saturday and really enjoyed it; so perhaps the best thing to do would be to forego that and go sell the papers then instead!

Even then, I have the small problem of no clean white unform shirts - because I've not had sufficient time or energy to go to the launderette with them. There's also a meeting to prepare for Tuesday (I am honoured to have been invited to lead this, a regular slot in the mental health chaplaincy drop-in), two application forms - one of which is urgent, as the closing date is getting near (I need to do these online as I have writers cramp - and I need to do it at home as there's no internet connection available at my mum's), my own correspondence, shopping - oh, and the washing-up etc - as I've not washed a spoon since Wednesday!!



Hey, it is now 5.15am - having slept most of the night as well, I off to do my cleaning - and papers. See if I don't!!