It's the hardest thing in the world to admit, you know. There are loads of services, helplines, and places to say it; loads of (mostly) supportive people who are willing to hear or read it; and maybe even loads of ways to say, or write it...
You don't want to be a drama queen, you don't want people to over-react, you don't want to make it any bigger than it is already - and you certainly don't want to do yourself any major dis-service by watering it down too much.
So, when you're having thoughts and urges to take yourself off somewhere dark and lonely, and then take various substances that'll probably knock you out for a while and yes, maybe even kill you if it goes wrong; just what on earth should your opening line be?
It can't be "I feel like killing myself," because I don't! It can't be "I feel like I want to hurt myself," because that's not true either. It can't even be, "I feel I need to blot it all out," because I don't feel that way...
I certainly feel like blotting it all out for a while at times - quite often of late, in fact; and you might say I'm being tempted if that's how your belief systems work. Sometimes I feel like burning it, or even drowning it. Invariably, I end up stifling it by eating until I feel so sick, that I almost stop feeling anything else.
I probably need asylum. But I don't need institution - and all too often, that's the only type of asylum that's on offer. It's certainly the only type that things like doctors, sick notes and employers generally recognise. Amd in truth, if I can't get any other sort sometime soon, I might end up needing asylum so much that the institution part won't really matter any more. Which would be a shame really, wouldn't it?
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