WRAP in Action!

A while back I posted a brief definition of WRAP - Wellness Recovery Action Plan. If you remember, you list all the things you do regularly to keep you well, then identify external events (triggers), subtle signs (called early warning signs) and more serious symptoms before writing crisis and post crisis plans...

Over the last few days, I've encountered a number of triggers. Yesterday, I started getting some early warning signs. As soon as I realised what was going on, I thought I'd better ring the Edinburgh Crisis Centre, and still might; but it also occurs to me that as I'm good at writing things down, sharing some of them here might be a good action plan. Certainly, the signs have started to subside since I decided I'd do that!

I can cope with many things, but sleep deprivation isn't one of them. For weeks, I've had very little sleep - barely four hours a night, if I'm lucky. I have always been an early morning person - but waking up at 4.50 when you've only been asleep since 12.30 is no joke...

The funny thing is, through the day I have boundless energy! Though I've lost some weight (one and a half stones now) and that probably contributes, I've been charging around at previously unknown speeds, doing all sorts of things very effectively!

I have lots of new projects on the go, I've been writing a lot, cooking and eating really well, looking after myself, feeling great. I've been sociable, making new friends, and taken myself out and about without effort.

And I've had some really good news too - feedback from the meeting I attended the other week and a possible opportunity to continue some of that work; and yes - at long last, my enhanced disclosure has turned up, which means I can start my support work job - I'm going to talk to my employer about the next stages on Monday afternoon!

Thinking about it, I did notice that I was unusually annoyed by having to go and visit my mother last weekend. Don't get me wrong - it wasn't that I didn't want to go, it was simply that during that particular weekend, it really was very difficult to identify the time, at least without digging deeply into what might otherwise be described as 'me time'. But it was mother's day last Sunday - so I didn't really feel I could make too much fuss about giving her half my Saturday - even though she'd been over here the Saturday before...

But the inane, endless conversation about nothing in particular or certainly, nothing particularly interesting, got to me more last weekend than it has done for a long time. I found myself answering through clenched teeth. I suppose I just felt that I was too busy, for lectures on how to run the life I've been running successfully on the whole for the past 43 years - from somebody who refuses to have a life of her own. My uncle says that my mother is never happy unless she has something to moan about - and you know, I rather fear he may have a point. I also think that's probably why she doesn't get many visitors. I'm afraid she loves being the centre of family attention, and so expects them all to visit her - but refuses to make return visits to them - even after I've pointed out that if she doesn't, there's surely a risk they'll interpret that in a negative way, and visit less often in consequence. She just doesn't see that she has any responsibility for cultivating such relationships at all - and of course, they all resent that...

It's also well-nigh impossible to make any sort of observation on any subject, without it being taken as a personal criticism. I thought I was bad for feeling the need to be everyone else's fire and rescue service - but my mother, well! It's not hard to see where I get it from!!

I'm afraid, dear reader, I find all this extremely wearing. Add to that her favourite game of criticising olther relations for not supporting her as much as they might - and then putting pressure on me to agree, and take her side; and you'll perhaps have a flavour of the problem that is my mother...

Almost everything outside of her usual routine is too much effort even to contemplate. And nobody else is allowed to be more adversely affected. She'll acknowledge their loneliness or pain - but then add that it isn't so bad for them, because they have family nearby...

Anyway - enough of her - this isn't about her...!!

On Tuesday, I had a major falling-out with a colleague. As those of you know me in person would probably testify, it really takes an awful lot to make me that angry - I'm normally a really placid person. Though there are common triggers within that - humiliation being the biggie. I think it relates back to abuse that took place earlier in my life...

We were in the Old Council Chamber (big long table in an oak-panelled room with huge chandaliers, fancy leather chairs, enormous portraits and sculptured busts of former Lord Provosts), trying to encourage a new intake of 'Get On' course participants of the importance of service user involvement. We'd had several meetings beforehand, at which we'd planned our lesson - the bulk of which I was supposed to be delivering, using an agreed imaginary scenario to
illustrate my points...

Just before we started, he suggested what I thought was going to be a quick icebreaker, which I agreed to. Having said we'd stick strictly to an hour, and that I'd be doing the bulk of the workshop; he proceed to hog the floor for the next 30 minutes - covering most of the subjects in the scenario as he did so...

I sat there feeling more and more humiliated. Just what was I meant to do now? Carry on as planned and then look stupid and inflexible, for covering the same ground again? Mustering all the strength I had to not simple grab my bag and coat and walk out; I eventually decided to just use the second part of the two-part scenario - I mean, one of us needed to be professional...

Of course, it ruined the whole thing - it wasn't nearly as effective. And worse still, having asked (as per plan) for people to come up with their own service user involvement plan, they came up with lots of issues instead, which before I'd had a reasonable chance to park elsewhere - my colleague proceeded to answer; thus effectively shifting the attention forever away from the matter in hand, and hijacking the entire session!

Eventually, we came out more than an hour later than planned (and allocated, within their course timetable) and when asked how I thought it went, I decided to go for the diplomatic response, and said it was far too long - and that maybe we should consider allocating ourselves far more time if we're going to take such questions as these...

"I think we have to answer those kinds of questions though," says my colleague. "I feel I have a moral obligation to answer them!"

I don't disagree with that - but not in the middle of my lesson! However, it didn't feel like the time or the place...

Then he tried to justify his actions by suggesting that my scenario was leading them in particular directions. Now, at that point I really began to see red! I mean - he didn't have a problem with what he was now calling your scenario when we were planning it - and far from it just being my scenario - I was actually under the impression that it formed part of our lesson plan...!!

In these situations I always try to take the advice on James, in the first chapter of his short book - always be quick to listen slow to speak, and slow to become angry...

At that point I felt more hurt than anything else I think. It felt like I was being attacked for just doing my job, or even just trying to. I felt like an unwanted, spare part - and I said so. But of course, it did make me angry...

I thought I dealt with it well! I have a friend staying with me at the moment - and I chatted about it with him for a bit. I phoned another friend who also knows and works with my colleague and spoke to her at length - ending up laughing about it all, as I knew I would. And I slept on it, before sending him an email in which I expressed my various observations, feelings and suggestions...

In response, he's saying that I have been personally attacking him. I certainly didn't intend that - and I'd thought I'd taken steps to avoid doing so...

But this sort of thing has occured before. Not often - but, somebody humiliates me, and I feel compelled to write and tell them what I think may have caused it, why, and what I suggest they/we do about it. Maybe only five times in the past 8 years - but somehow it causes major rifts and everyone seems to gang up and conspire against me; and on more that one occasion, I've been told I'm no longer welcome to work with them, in consequence...

So I hope you'll forgive me for feeling worried by these developments.

And the insomnia is getting worse!! All this week, come 9pm I can hardly even keep my eyes open, and feel like I'm going to fit, in consequence of feeling so tired - and yet, still I can't get a decent night's sleep.

Nor is there anything around that I can really drop - not without it having a negative impact upon my life anyway. Things have just started to gel for me at the Salvation Army: I have a few specific roles to fulfill and at last, I feel I'm really forming relationships with more people, so I daren't cut any of that activity out - apart from anything else I enjoy it and it is my main support network. So the last thing I want is to be relieved of some of my workload there - which in itself is not great anyway - and then earn a reputation of being unreliable or incapable of anything remotely interesting...

Even sharing it with my mother isn't an option, for she'd just make it her problem and start experiencing all sorts of aches and pains - and tell me they were caused by the worry I was giving her...

Having waited for months to start work, I daren't go to the doctor - in case he says I'm not able to do it. That would set me back so terribly far - I don't think I could cope with that at all. And as I've just described, there are problems within my main voluntary work arena at the moment.

I need to go and get some breakfast, shower, do 2 hours of cleaning at the Salvation Army - before the prayer meeting at 11am - from which I need to go straight to the next (and for now final) service user involvement workshop (with the same colleague, who I've not spoken with since the emails) at 1.15. But assuming I've not been locked up, I shall be back to tell you about the early warning signs later...