It was late morning when I wrote my last post, and although the sunshine was becoming a little hazy, I did still hope to go out during the afternoon. Alas, that's not happened...
No - the foot isn't the main problem. It's a lot more complicated; and has all the characteristics of a huge boulder blocking the path ahead. This isn't a new phenomenon in life - in fact, it has happened on and off for years and thankfully, more off than on these days. But when it happens I'm just as stuck as I always was...
It's a bit like the old woman who swallowed the fly - in reverse. My revised goal is to go out to the local shops and get some food, as my fridge is now completely empty, bar half a carton on milk and a little margarine. Also, I've no bread, no cake (I had the last of it during today), no biscuits, no rice pudding, no chocolate or sweets. I have some basics such as rice and pasta - but nothing to liven it up with...
Only, you can't go out before getting dressed; and you can't really get dressed without getting washed and shaved - and there's my dilemma.
This is where the good folks that assess disability benefits claims and suchlike; some doctors and medical practitioners; politicians, definitely; family members and even some friends really don't get how mental illness can affect you on a day-to-day basis. The DWP's claim forms are really only interested in your physical ability to walk down the road and buy the goods - they just don't get that on a bad day, there's often not a cat's chance in hell of getting there anytime soon...
It's daft, isn't it? What can possibly be so hard about getting in the shower, having a shave and brushing your teeth and hair; I hear you saying? And the answer is - I haven't a clue. It is daft - but it's also real, and right now its preventing me from doing any of the other things I want and need to do.
I'm hoping that by writing it down here I might be able to even get around it in a small way, maybe just wash face, swill out with mouthwash and comb hair for now. It's dark, and although it'd just putting off the inevitable, at least I'd get some much-needed provisions in for the rest of the weekend.
It's quite simple really: I'm a bit depressed, and because I'm a bit depressed, my energy and motivation levels are poor, my view of myself is decreased, I'm finding it hard to concentrate, I'm more anxious than usual, I'm finding it quite hard to make conversation with people, I've lost any real interest in food, I'm craving intimacy: all of these are classic symptoms of my depression.
And I usually end up demonstrating my depression in one way or another. In the past, I'd have cut up or overdosed; nowadays I usually neglect myself or my immediate surroundings. It's one of the few outward signs actually - and of course, because only a few people ever come into my personal space, not many folk are ever aware of it. So - in the hope that it might help me move on a little, I'm describing it to you now. It's 7.15pm. 'Think I'll give myself until 8 o'clock; and I'll come back later and let you know the results!!
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